Tiffany’s Got Talent

There are things I do really well. There are other things that I do not do well. And there are things that I think I do well.

For example:
I think I can sing. –Walter disagrees. Excuse me, I sing a “mean” I’m an Undercover Agent and an amazing “Happy Birthday Mr. President”

I think I drive really well –everyone who has driven with me disagrees. (You mean you’re not supposed to drive between the yellow lines)

And I know I can “do” accents really, really well. Many of you have heard my “That’s Nice” joke where I emulate a Southern Belle. I would surely give myself an A+ on that one. But my latest and best accent is that of Mel B.

When Niccie is in Hawaii, one of our favorite programs to watch is America’s Got Talent. We take it very seriously. While we don’t have “X” buzzers, we do provide an X arm crossing complete with a “zonk” sound when we don’t like a contestant.

Mel B is my favorite AGT judge. I love her looks, her style, and of course her accent.
She is fabulous. Whenever AGT is on, I use my Mel B impersonation throughout the entire show. For some strange reason, Walter, Jamie, Cheryl and Niccie all think that I sound like a cross between Jon Snow and Frankenstein. They are wrong. I am good.

Mel B is my “act”. While Jamie and Niccie have jokingly tried to emulate her and think they can do it better than I –all I have to do is give them a “Tiffany look” and they quickly stop. Again, I am “Mel B”.

Jamie, Cheryl and Niccie are back in Boston. So it’s just WJJ and me. Last night as we were watching AGT of course, I “did” Mel. To my great surprise, Walter decided that he could do a better Mel B voice than I. So he started. I politely asked him to stop. He kept going. Again, I said, “You know better, I am Mel B, please stop.” But just to annoy me, WJJ continued.

I’m sorry I had no choice. I had to beat him. And beat him I did. In our TV room and in our bedroom I have lots of FOM pillows. Those are the little pillows that are filled with tiny beads. I LOVE my FOM pillows. I hug my FOM pillows; I sleep with my FOM pillows and yes, travel with my FOM pillows. As WJJ persisted in annoying me, I discovered that FOM pillows are “weapon of choice”.

In order to stop WJJ’s horrific Mel B impersonation, I was compelled to repeatedly hit Walter over and over again with my FOM pillows. There he lay reclined on the sofa –with no defense whatsoever. I felt like Rocky Marciano with my FOM pillows as boxing gloves. I hit him in the arm, then a quick left jab and then one straight to his belly. Over and over again, I trounced him. Whack Whack Whack — Needless to say, the result was hilarious laughter. Finally we called a truce because frankly I was getting quite tired–though I would not admit that. Note to self: FOM pillows were not designed to be a lethal weapon and can separate at the seams with all those tiny little beads flying everywhere. Cleanup is a “bitch”. But I felt victorious …last night.

This morning, per usual WJJ and I went into the pool. I had no idea our “war of the accents” would continue. He started but this time I was “weapon free” While I have mastered combat with a FOM pillow, WJJ is the Michael Phelps of pool splashing. He can create a tsunami of waves that hit you from every angle. His revenge was sweet. And I was soaked.

Ahhh. The battle continues. What will be my next weapon? I’d try whipped cream, but we all know where that would lead. And I learned a long time ago…. don’t use whip cream for anything other than dessert in warm weather…. not pleasant.

So I am on a quest to continue to find my next weapon and of course fine tune my Mel B voice –Oh my gosh I could even try singing like Mel B –that would definitely be “Off the Chain”.

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