In anticipation of tonight’s Presidential Debate, with no partisan prejudice, I want to formally announce that I am running for President of the United States. As you know, the Democrats have a platform that includes free healthcare and free college tuition for all Americans. We know that President Trump’s campaign slogan has been “Make America Great Again.” Both the Democrats and the Republicans know to whom they are pandering.
Well, both parties better beware. Because I am going to capture about 90 million votes. I will attract voters from both the blue states and the red states –everywhere from New York, Missouri, Louisiana, Oklahoma and California. No, seriously I will. Why? My platform will appeal to every woman over 40, and there are over 90 million women in that age group.
Are you ready? Here is my slogan:
“Make America Young Again.”
That’s right make America Young! I am going to guarantee free Botox, fillers, face lifts, boob jobs, rhinoplasty, and liposuction. In addition, free skin rejuvenation treatment, laser hair removal and teeth whitening. I will work endlessly for FREE hair coloring, styling and even special vitamins for fuller more beautiful hair. As an FYI, do you know how much it costs me to continually change my hair color? As most of you know, I change my hair color more often than most women change their nail polish.
I will also include FREE yoga, workouts and exercise equipment. You can hire a hunky trainer and that’s FREE too. I will also give FREE healthy food and FREE vodka because I will advocate a healthy diet of Vitamins and Vodka (no carbs).
I will include a stipend for a new wardrobe and also have FREE counseling available when we have that occasional “Monday Munchie Madness” –where we fill ourselves with chips, dips, & desserts. I will give each woman a talking scale with a sexy male voice—like Jason Momoa. And if she happens to gain a couple of pounds, her male scale will say, “Hi Gorgeous, just wanted you to know, you’ve gained 2 pounds—but it’s all in the right place. You’re even more voluptuous today than you were yesterday.”
And all of this is all FREE!
I will invest as much as is needed to develop a better machine for the dreaded mammograms. This machine will simply caress the breast while taking perfect images –all while you are looking at Jason’s beautiful face and body.
As for the dreaded pap smear, I will develop a beautiful, restful, elegant recliner, so that we can rid ourselves of the embarrassment of putting our feet in the stirrups and crunching down. And our “dressing robes” will be satin or silk –not pin stripe cotton.
Last but not least, I will give out FREE Birth Control pills AND FREE prescription lubricants. –BTW I recently refused to pay for my prescription because my co-pay was $300. As you may know, men can get Viagra and have a minimal co-pay –which of course is really the epitome of double standards.
Now, you’re probably wondering how I will get all of this passed through Congress when only 23.7% are women. Simple—A large majority of the men in Congress are married. So, I will appeal to their wives and reinforce that perhaps they want to look their very best so IF their husband finds some young intern –they in turn can find someone younger, better in bed and sexier and take him for every penny!
Yes, join me as we “Make America Young Again”. Contributions can be sent to Tiffanyj@Undercoverwear.com. Please note: These contributions are not tax-deductible -but they will pay for my next “treatment”.