Tiffany's life-tini

I really wanted to lose 10 pounds. Being a Type A personality, I wanted it now and I wanted it fast. So, I decided that I was going to completely give up carbs. That’s right, no bread, no pasta, no cookies —no carbs. Notice I didn’t say I was giving up vodka -low carb.

Anyway, as I started my diet, as luck would have it, I found a type of bread that had virtually no calories, carbs, sugar or gluten. Can you say FABULOUS! That was the good news. The bad news was it was not available in Hawaii. Living in Hawaii has many advantages, shipping here is not one of them. Often times shipping to Hawaii is more costly than the actual product. (That’s why I LOVE Amazon Prime.) Anyway, the price of the bread was $8.99 a loaf and was going to be shipped from California. I ordered six loaves and spent another $44.00 in shipping. So, my bread was over $100.00, but I did not hesitate for one second.   A no calorie, no carb, no sugar no gluten bread was well worth the money! I was in Nirvana.

In the meantime, I found my next “miracle”.   It was actually called Miracle Noodles. They offered fettuccine, rice, spinach noodles, and angel hair “pasta”. And guess what? No calories, carbs, sugar or gluten. Oh my goodness, I wanted every variety! Let’s see, one serving a day –no, no maybe I needed two servings a day. I wanted at least six weeks of supplies! Yes, that’s right, two servings a day for six weeks equals 84 packages. It might have been expensive, but based on my new finds I was in diet heaven!

The Miracle Noodles arrived first. 84 packages sure was a lot of noodles and the packages were very interesting! They looked like saline implants. The instructions were even more interesting. “Cut open the package, drain in cold water to remove the odor.” Hmmm… While the noodles had no specific taste, they were supposed to take on the flavor of whatever sauce or topping you put on them.

I decided to give them a try. The odor was stronger than I had expected. It smelled like seaweed. The texture did not resemble pasta at all. I prepared them as instructed and topped it with cooked tomatoes and chili peppers. I actually thought it was OK. Or maybe I wanted it to taste OK.

I attempted to serve it to WJJ who immediately gave me one of his “What the Hell is this look?”   I encouraged him to take a bite. After coaxing him for about 10 minutes to at least try it, he did and without a moment’s hesitations said it was disgusting.

The next day, I decided to try the rice, which actually resembled “clear tapioca”. In order to “trick” WJJ and camouflage the taste, I made Italian Wedding soup. I made the chicken broth, with escarole and then added tiny meatballs. My last ingredient was the rice. I served the soup for dinner and WJJ thought it was quite good. He especially loved the meatballs. Of course this certainly contradicted the “diet” part of this meal. The “rice” had no specific taste nor did it interfere with the rest of the flavors.

I had now used 2 packets of “pasta” and only had 82 packages left that were tucked away in several drawers and cabinets. Hmmm perhaps I should have tried one or two packages first?

As I was pondering my “error”, my bread arrived. I was over the top with excitement. Certainly it had to be better than the pasta. I took one loaf out and immediately put the other 5 loaves in the freezer.

The first indication that this might not be what I expected was the color. It was rather yellow. I took a slice of it out of the bag and it proceeded to fall apart. Maybe it got broken in shipping? Undaunted, I took a bite. Unlike the pasta, the bread definitely had flavor. Unfortunately it was NOT a good flavor. I tried just about everything on this bread- I toasted it, I melted cheese on it, I put peanut butter on it, I even tried tapenade. Still not good-in fact it was really quite awful.

The next day a dear friend came to visit. She too was dieting so I encourage her to “try it”. Once again I went through the ritual of putting “stuff on it”. Tuna, ham with mustard, egg salad –meatballs with sauce —nothing could mask the horrible taste. My friend is on a very tight budget and I offered to give her both the bread and some Miracle Noodles. She politely declined. Actually it wasn’t politely. She actually said, “You’re not going to pawn that horrible stuff off on me.”

When the bread arrived, WJJ saw the invoice with shipping costs. So I wasn’t about to actually tell him I hated the bread. So last week I snuck into one of our freezers –took the six loaves of bread out and dumped them. Fortunately we have 8 freezers in our home (for 2 people) so he didn’t notice they were GONE! I thought about feeding the birds –but I can assure you that even they would not have wanted it.

The Noodles are still “hidden everywhere”. I did give them a try again and tried to convince myself that they were OK. Yes I kept saying, “If I can only get over the “smell, they are not THAT bad”. I actually sent some to Boston to my two sisters–naturally I paid the shipping. I’ll guarantee they both dumped the “pasta” on arrival. I didn’t bother sending any to Jamie and Cheryl- I KNOW what their reaction would be. I’ve tried giving them away –no one seems to want them. Please feel free to email me if you’d like a sample! BTW, what day is trash day?

So, the old adage, “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is” pertains to my bread and noodles. I guess there will be no shortcuts to loosing those 10 pounds. So instead of writing another blog I better get up, get dressed, put my sneakers on and walk a couple of miles. By then it will be time for lunch.

Wait a minute! I’ve got it figured out. My Bread and Miracle Noodles ARE the REAL DEAL. Yes, they are. They smell/ taste so bad, you don’t want to eat–ever again. Perfect!!!! Silly ME!